And all of your weight - all you dream, falls on me. It falls on me. And your beautiful sky - the light you breath, falls on me. It falls on me. Your faith like a pain draws me in; washes all my words from me. Am I that strong to carry on? --Fuel
You're just so independent, you refuse to bend. So I bend until I break. You always find a way to make me stay right here waiting. You always find the words to keep me right here waiting. If you chose to walk away, I'd still be right here waiting; searching for the things to say. I've made a commitment. I'm willing to bleed for you. I needed fulfillment; I found what I needed in you. --Staind
What is this place? What am I looking to get out of this thing called life?
I had been rebuilding trust and faith in my partner's monogamy for about a month and a half. Then - BOOM. Again, I find something that blindsided me. A flirty message exchange with a former hook-up partner and supposed good friend from must earlier in life proposing a trip out of town to visit her with no promises of keeping hands to themselves. My partner was disguising this meet up with a guy's weekend to get me to stay home. And then he told the girl that he was specifically coming into town to see her.
Upon confronting him, he told me he was playing her, and not me, with saying his only purpose was to go into town to see her - he said he told her this to get her excited and primed to cheat on her husband with him. He did tell me that he has been debating whether he should or shouldn't cheat on me because things with me have been so great. Then he asked how he could ever build up trust if he can't challenge situations (such as meeting up with an old flame/friend out of town) and not fall into his old patterns.
To me, why put yourself into this situation after setting up with the other person that you want to do something with them?? Who does that?? If he feels like he needs to flirt to be more like himself, he needs to learn how to flirt without actively saying or doing things that portray he wants to screw around with someone else. There are plenty of ways in which to flirt without actively trying to set something up to be unfaithful, therefore causing me pain and causing disrespect to me and us. Suzy has perfected this.
I've been told that I'm an amazing person and that monogamy is boring. If my partner would flirt with me; put me first over this cunts he flirts with and tries to cheat on me with (i.e. the cunt he was trying to plan a meet up with while I was miscarrying our first child); and find contentment with what we have, maybe life would not be so tumultuous. Our therapist told him point blank that she thinks he sabotages his own happiness, which I totally and completely agree with - he can't ever be content with what he has.
Sometimes I wonder what God has in store for us and for him, and what life altering event might be coming our way which could drastically change things - for the better, I pray. I am not going to put my hopes on our Little One who is joining this world in February because I have learned my lesson from doing that in the past. However, it really would be wonderful if this wonderful Little Love would put all of life into perspective for him. He has so many things that people literally kill for.
I'm a strong woman. But like the quote above says, I bend until I break. I don't want to break; I'm close. I can't be bent much more.
