Strength or Weakness

And all of your weight - all you dream, falls on me. It falls on me. And your beautiful sky - the light you breath, falls on me. It falls on me. Your faith like a pain draws me in; washes all my words from me. Am I that strong to carry on? --Fuel

You're just so independent, you refuse to bend. So I bend until I break. You always find a way to make me stay right here waiting. You always find the words to keep me right here waiting. If you chose to walk away, I'd still be right here waiting; searching for the things to say. I've made a commitment. I'm willing to bleed for you. I needed fulfillment; I found what I needed in you. --Staind

What is this place? What am I looking to get out of this thing called life?

I had been rebuilding trust and faith in my partner's monogamy for about a month and a half. Then - BOOM. Again, I find something that blindsided me. A flirty message exchange with a former hook-up partner and supposed good friend from must earlier in life proposing a trip out of town to visit her with no promises of keeping hands to themselves. My partner was disguising this meet up with a guy's weekend to get me to stay home. And then he told the girl that he was specifically coming into town to see her.

Upon confronting him, he told me he was playing her, and not me, with saying his only purpose was to go into town to see her - he said he told her this to get her excited and primed to cheat on her husband with him. He did tell me that he has been debating whether he should or shouldn't cheat on me because things with me have been so great. Then he asked how he could ever build up trust if he can't challenge situations (such as meeting up with an old flame/friend out of town) and not fall into his old patterns.

To me, why put yourself into this situation after setting up with the other person that you want to do something with them?? Who does that?? If he feels like he needs to flirt to be more like himself, he needs to learn how to flirt without actively saying or doing things that portray he wants to screw around with someone else. There are plenty of ways in which to flirt without actively trying to set something up to be unfaithful, therefore causing me pain and causing disrespect to me and us. Suzy has perfected this.

I've been told that I'm an amazing person and that monogamy is boring. If my partner would flirt with me; put me first over this cunts he flirts with and tries to cheat on me with (i.e. the cunt he was trying to plan a meet up with while I was miscarrying our first child); and find contentment with what we have, maybe life would not be so tumultuous. Our therapist told him point blank that she thinks he sabotages his own happiness, which I totally and completely agree with - he can't ever be content with what he has.

Sometimes I wonder what God has in store for us and for him, and what life altering event might be coming our way which could drastically change things - for the better, I pray. I am not going to put my hopes on our Little One who is joining this world in February because I have learned my lesson from doing that in the past. However, it really would be wonderful if this wonderful Little Love would put all of life into perspective for him. He has so many things that people literally kill for.

I'm a strong woman. But like the quote above says, I bend until I break. I don't want to break; I'm close. I can't be bent much more.

Breaking Free of the Circle

I need to boldly move forward into the future and remove the negative weight of memories and experiences and events that have happened to me.

If we both love one another enough, we will find a way to make everything we have work. It will require sacrifices from both of us. And we need to recognize, acknowledge, and thank the other for those sacrifices.

One cannot create positive change from a negative mindset. However, a part of me feels like by letting go of things is a way of me lying to myself about what has happened and giving more of myself after having been robbed of security and respect. However, in order to move forward, I have to stop victimizing myself and take back control by injecting positivity into my life.

I'm trying to take control over my emotions and feelings to move forward in a positive manner. I"m trying to heal myself to then heal us. It's hard to move forward when I have a couple of mis-steps which cause stress or confusion for my partner, which in turn causes resentment and anger on their part. Which in turn causes resentment in me towards them for having the balls to feel resentful of me after harmful acts they have performed against and to me.

Which means - if one of us doesn't break the cycle, the circle continues. And just like with tires on a wheel, over time, the cycle will wear down the tread (the emotions). So I have to be that person. I am a strong woman who is capable of many things; just have to swallow some pride and feelings of unfairness on this one. But I can do it.

Turning the corner

In my 20's, travel was my way of looking forward to the next adventure and creating a sense of enlightenment that I needed at that stage of my life.

My 30's are showing me that I need to turn the efforts I took to embrace the world in my 20's into embracing myself in my 30's.

I am exploring myself. I need to explore myself. Life is too short to have lived for others and an ideal of what I think I want instead of what I truly want.

Wandering Mind

My entire life I have lived in my mind's concept of others' projections of who I should be. A bookworm, living in another person's imagination while growing up. A blossoming butterfly in college, living other people's perceptions of me. A newly hatched butterfly in early adulthood, tentatively trying on different personas.

In my newly minted 30's, I am exploring my grit, purpose, motivations and reconnecting with my passions. Testing my confidence. Pushing comfort levels of what others perceive me to be, and what I want others to think of me. I won't be so pompous as to claim I care not what others think of me. Because that would be a flat out lie.

I am no longer blaming others' best attempts to do what they thought best for me. I am taking accountability for allowing myself to feel a victim instead of a conqueror. Recognizing I lost that beautifully complex, overly emotional, explorative, vibrant little girl I once was to the visions others painted for me to inhabit.

I'm intense. I'm overly aware of emotions - both my own and others. Doesn't mean I can put a definition to or understand the emotions many times. But I feel. Intensely.

I find it strange myself, but as a young teenager, I identified I was an old soul in a young body. My great-grandmother, Grinny, was my example of what it means to give your all for someone or something you love. She is the old soul I have been aspiring to be the majority of my life.

I've been underestimated and underrepresented a good portion of my life. As a result, I've developed the drive to, "play bigger than I look [Carly Lloyd]". I'm quite frankly tired of having to prove myself because I have proven to myself that I am more capable than I ever imagined even in my wildest dreams.

Because I am so intense, I feel my emotions are a burden to others. I also feel that letting others, even those closest to me, see my many emotions would be too much. It would make me too vulnerable. I have overwhelmed others when I expose a lot. Upon reflecting, I don't believe I knew how to be deliberate in the way in which I shared my vulnerabilities and emotions. The best way to describe it would be that I would have emotional diarrhea all over them. Who wouldn't be traumatized and overwhelmed by that?!

Now that I have recognized my fault in how I shared myself with those closest to me, I can now enhance our relationships by controlling how I share my true self with them. I am taking the personal accountability I should for that.